THE NOVEL FACTOR

SCREENPLAY BY SCRIPTER ZED

	DANIELThat's a good question.
	KATEYes.
	DANIELThat's a really good question. Do you even know how good?
	KATEI know I'm hoping for a really good answer.
	DANIELIs this being recorded?
	KATE               (flicks a switch) Not anymore.
	DANIELThe answer is no.
	KATEReally.
	DANIELI'm not kidding.
	KATEThat's interesting. How do you--
	DANIELJustify that position?
	KATEYes.
	DANIELI don't know ... it's like ... it's like this table.
	KATEI sense a metaphor coming.
	DANIELI read somewhere once that a table has no memory.
	KATEYes. It's an inanimate object.
	DANIELRight, but as far as inanimate objects go, it's an incredibly useful one, isn't it. You can pile all sorts of stuff on top of it. Any shape. Any size. Sticky or smooth. Flat or wickedly sharp. And it supports them all. How?
	KATEGravity?
	DANIELThat, and no memory.
	KATEI'm not liking this answer.
	DANIELForget it.
	KATEForget it?
	DANIELIt was just a metaphor. It was silly.
	KATENo. Go ahead. I want to hear it.
	DANIELI want you to think about it, not just hear it. Think about a table with memory. Everything that's happened to it. Everything that's been put on it. All the wet things. All the hot things. What would happen?
	KATEIt would learn valuable lessons from hard experience.
	DANIELIt would learn lessons. I agree. But how valuable would they be? Next time you put something hot on it, the table might not be so willing.
	KATEThe table has no choice. It's a doormat.
	DANIELOkay, well, much as you might enjoy that image...
	KATEI do not enjoy it.
	DANIELWell, the table has a memory. Now it can move. In for a penny in for a pound ... of ... sentient wood.
	KATESo what's the point?
	DANIELThe point is that the table would eventually become so frightened of everything that's been done to it, slapped on it, smeared on it, stuck, burned, and kicked into it, that it wouldn't be very tolerant of anything further. No matter what you're trying to put on top of it, there's an unpleasant counterexample in it's long history, and on that basis, it will refuse to support anything. It becomes completely useless as a table.
	KATESo ... I'm your personal little table, is that it?
	DANIELNo.
	KATESure it is. I'm your eveready little table. Keep the table blank. Keep the table clean. Don't put your dirty laundry on it. Careful with the table, you might just need it down the road? Is that how you see me?
	DANIELNo! I ...
	KATEThen what? I asked you a question, and you won't answer it, you just give me this shit about a table, keeping it around so you can screw it, and screw memory, screw history, screw the good times with the bad...
	DANIELStop.
	KATEWhat?
	DANIELIt's impossible to talk to you, y'know that?
	KATEYou seem to be doing pretty well at it. You've got a regular cryptic little sermon going, where you don't have to answer anything, instead you can just--
	DANIELI'M THE TABLE!
	KATEWhat?
	DANIELI'm the table, okay? I'm the blank slate. I want to be ready. I want to be clean. I want to support anything. I don't want to shrink from experience. That's why I don't hold a grudge against you. It was a bad scene. But I don't blame you. For any of it. So there's your answer. But you will probably never get that it's not about you. It's about me. My peace. I want to remain square and flat and smooth and ready for graffiti or hot coffee.
	KATEOh.
	DANIELYeah. Oh.
	KATEWhy do you intentionally mislead me?
	DANIELI don't intentionally mislead you.
	KATEYou do. You do. You set up these cryptic responses and you know they can be interpreted in these other ways, and then you let me run with it while you sit there like a snake ready to strike with your so-called real interpretation.
	DANIELIt is the real interpretation.
	KATESo only your perceptions are real. All of mine are false.
	DANIELI was the one who was talking!
	KATEWhat's that got to do with it?
	DANIELThe table means what I say it means!
	KATEWhatever.
	DANIELBesides, you are the deceiver here.
	KATEHere we go.
	DANIELYou sat down with this tape recorder and led me to believe--
	KATEI never said one way or the other. You wanted to believe.
	DANIELNow who's setting who up for false interpretations?

	KATE               (sighs) You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.
	DANIELYou are?
	KATEYes. I just wanted ... I don't know what I wanted. I just wanted ... to see you again.
	DANIELWell here I am. Is it everything you hoped it would be?
	KATEActually, this is exactly what I expected. But I hoped ...
	DANIELWhat?
	KATEI have something to tell you. Something important.
	DANIELLet me guess: you had a revelation.
	KATEYes. I did.
	DANIELGreat, here it comes. "Oh, I had an epiphany, Daniel. I realised that you were the one, Daniel. I was fingerpainting and I suddenly felt this deep connection with everything in the universe through you, Daniel."
	TWO turns on the tape recorder.
	DANIELNo? Or maybe this time it's, "Oh, my life is a mess, Daniel. I can't make any decisions. I need your perspective. I need your advice. I don't have anyone to talk to."
	TWO remains silent.
	DANIELOr ... I know! This time it'll be ... what was it? "My therapist told me to talk to someone who knows me very well to detail my five woodland spirits, and you know me better than anyone, Daniel. It has to be you." That must be it, this time. Of course. It's why you're recording this. Exploring your inner consciousness? Playing it back for your journal? Trying to figure things out by dredging up old Daniel in your rotten net all over again? You know what? I do know you better than anyone. Most of all, I know that you will do or say anything if it will get you what you want -- except for just asking for it. Well, not this time, Kate.                (switches off recorder) This time you're going to have to ask for it, before you get the opportunity to rip my life to shreds all over again. So? Do you have the guts? Are you going to just ask for what you want? Or are you going to hide behind that tape recorder?
	KATE               (switches it back on) 7:35pm. Subject invaded interviewer's personal space. Took control of her environment without permission.
	TWO switches the recorder off again just as quickly.
	DANIELAlright. What the fuck is going on here?
	KATEI'm not here to come back into your life, Daniel.
	DANIELYou're not.
	KATENo. I'm here to leave it forever.
	DANIELThank God almighty!
	KATE               (turns it on for a moment) 7:36pm. Subject makes insulting declaration.
	DANIELWhat are you going to do with this material? This is no fucking writing project, so don't even tell me--
	KATEI'm preparing a legal case against you, Daniel.
	DANIELBullshit! On what grounds?
	KATEFailure to deliver on promises made.
	DANIELWhat promises?
	KATEYou said you would make me happy.
	DANIELThat's ridiculous! No one can promise that!
	KATEBut you did, Daniel. You did.
	DANIELI don't remember it.
	KATEYou promised it alright. In words. In actions. With every smile. With every kiss. With every embrace. With your incredible, intense, attention. You promised to hold it there. To hold me there. But you took it away.
	DANIELI never cheated on you. Not once.
	KATEYou know that's not what I'm talking about.
	Silence.
	KATEYou took it away, and I was alone again. Even when you were in the room with me. That's not the way it was supposed to be.
	DANIELOkay.
	KATENo it's not okay.
	DANIELI mean, you win. I admit it.                (turns on the recorder) Hello, this is me, Daniel, taking control of Kate's environment to say that it's true. It's all true. There was a promise in the way I behaved. In the way we kissed. In the way we...
	She looks away.
	DANIELBut it's the promise that is made by any man who touches any woman. And by any woman who chooses when and by whom to be touched.
	DANIEL               (turns off the tape) And it isn't illegal, is it? So you have no case.
	KATEI have a case.
	DANIELNo you don't.
	KATEYes I do. I have a confession.
	DANIELNo court of law would--
	KATEI'm not presenting it in a court of law.
	DANIELThen where are you presenting it?
	KATERight here. To you.
	DANIELGoddamnit I knew it. You're just trying to spin my head around again. Well, I gotta hand it to you this time.
	KATENo.
	DANIELThen you're just trying to lock in your concept of my guilt for all eternity as some kind of karmic revenge.
	KATENo, Daniel. It's because I have something to tell you. Something important. And I don't want to do it until the scales are balanced.
	DANIELOkay. Is it time yet?
	KATENo.
	DANIELGod, how did I come here, Kate?
	KATEI was wondering that myself.
	DANIELActually, I know the answer.
	KATEThen tell me. Why did you come? I thought you wouldn't show.
	DANIELWhat? No, that's not what I meant.
	KATEI know.
	DANIELI meant how did we get here. To this ... infernal place. But I already knew the answer.
	KATE               (turns on tape) Then tell me, Danny. What's the answer?
	DANIELWe loved.
	KATEThat's it? That's all you have to say?
	DANIELWe loved. The same way everyone else does.
	KATEEveryone else does NOT end up here.
	DANIELOf course they do. Of course they do. Don't. Now, don't lie to me, to make your little case here. You're on tape, too. That's like being under oath.
	KATENo it isn't.
	DANIELBut you know it all ends here. Don't you? In some way, shape, or form, you have to admit it.
	KATEIn some way, shape, or form.
	DANIELYeah.
	KATEJust not in our way. Not in your shape. Not in this form. We are still responsible for what we are. For what we do or don't do.
	DANIELOkay. Yeah. We're responsible. Then why are we so damn irresponsible. And I mean all of us. I'm serious. Why?
	KATEI don't know.
	DANIELNeither do I. Neither do I.
	KATEI'm trying to find out.
	DANIELWell, let me know when you have the answer, if you ever get it. If you figure out why you found yourself here, trying to hang some kind of cosmic sense on our existence by re-recording an argument we've had a thousand times as if you can't already play it over and over by heart. Why I'm trying desperately to defend myself ... against what?
	KATEAgainst me.
	DANIELI don't want to defend myself against you.
	KATEYou don't have to.
	DANIELAren't we better than this?
	KATEWe were.
	DANIELWe sure were. We were a lot fucking better. Weren't we?
	KATEYes.
	DANIELWhat changed? I mean, what was it exactly? Is it on this tape?
	KATENo.
	DANIELWell, let me know when you find it. I really hope that you succeed.
	KATEThank you. I hope so too.
	DANIELSo...
	KATEI'm leaving.
	DANIELJust when we were starting to get along.
	KATENot now.
	DANIELYou mean...
	KATELeaving.
	DANIELWhere?
	KATEHere.
	DANIELYeah, but where to.
	KATELeaving doesn't need a "to".
	DANIELI guess not.
	KATEI'm just going. And I'm never coming back.
	DANIELYou don't know that.
	KATEI know it as well as I know anything.
	DANIELWhy?
	KATEWhat I'm looking for isn't here.
	DANIELKate, I doubt what you're looking for is anywhere.
	KATEThen I'll find that out by looking. Remember Einstein's definition of insanity?
	DANIELOh ... yeah, what is it again ...
	KATERepeating the same action again and again expecting a different result.
	DANIELRight. Of course.
	KATEYou told me that.
	DANIELI forgot.
	KATEWell I didn't. I've been looking in the same place again and again. It's insane. It is insane. And I'm going to start looking somewhere else.
	DANIELWell. I don't know what to say.
	KATESay goodbye. Say good luck. And say good riddance.
	DANIELI wouldn't say that.
	KATEYou wouldn't?
	DANIELNo.
	KATEWhat would you say then?
	DANIELYou mean, in this situation?
	KATEYes, in this situation. Why are you in this situation, anyway, Daniel? I asked you before and you ignored me. I'll ask you again. Why did you come when I called? Why are you here?
	DANIELOh, I get it! I finally get it. Jesus, I am so fucking gullible.
	KATEWhat do you get, Daniel?
	DANIELYou had me tripped up for a while there, but now I finally understand. This is you checking your exits. Again.
	KATEChecking my exits.
	DANIELSo what's his name?
	KATEThere is no name.
	DANIELYou don't need to be all cagey any longer. I've figured you out! The jig is up, baby. It's been a few years. Do you expect me to believe that there hasn't been anyone else?
	KATENo.
	DANIELThere's someone else, of course. There always is. But this time, it's different. This time, there's an offer on the table. You think there's a future. You're looking down a long tunnel following this novel factor wherever it's taking you. Don't give me that look, I can read you, remember? I know it's true.
	KATEIt's true that there is a new factor.
	DANIELI knew it! And you can't move forward without checking your alternate exits. Making sure your options are open. This whole tape thing is just a way of keeping this exit from collapsing, in case you need to take it one day.
	KATEGo on.
	DANIELI can just see you now. In a few more years. Rolling on your side to avoid watching your snoring "life partner" fatten in his sleep. Thinking about the long-ago days when his desire coursed through you like blood through a racehorse. Pulling out this tape and putting on your earphones just to hear it one more time, the sound of an old passion that died without aging. You look at the phone. You wonder if I'm still at the same number. But you know you'll never call. Instead you Imagine what might follow if we happened to run into each other. Leaving it to fate, knowing that you will accept whatever it brings you without question, even if it means infidelity, you let the fickle winds of probability absolve you of responsibility. You keep yourself alive by standing naked in the wind of received opportunity. You don't say no. I know how you do it, Kate. I know how this merry go-round works. I've been on it. So goodbye, and good luck. And I'll see you on the flipside.
	KATEIs that how your merry-go-round works?
	DANIELWhat do you mean?
	KATEI'm not stupid, you know.
	DANIELI know.
	KATEDaniel. Why are you here?
	DANIELI ... I was just curious. I was like, what will she think of next? And I gotta tell ya, you really topped yourself, with the whole tape thing. You're like -- a magician, or something. One hand slapping your face. The other's grabbing your dick. You can be a real ride, y'know that?
	KATEI know that.
	DANIELI can't wait to see how you'll work this tape into the next one.
	KATEDaniel, the tape is for you.
	DANIELFor me?
	KATEDon't you want it?
	DANIELHey. This was your idea.
	KATEAnd so is this.
	She pulls the tape out of the machine and starts to pull it out of its reels.
	DANIELWait! What are you doing?
	She looks at him and back at the tape again, and begins to pull it off its reels even more.
	DANIELStop ... I mean ... I mean, yeah. I do want it. I do. Okay?
	KATE               (hands it to him) Gotta go.
	DANIELSo what is his name?
	KATEThere is no name.
	DANIELThen what's the novel factor?
	She smiles and walks away as he slowly winds the tape back into its case.
	FADE TO BLACK.

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